I actually wrote this on my last blog with 5 or 6 entries.. I reread it and thought I should include it for you all to read because it includes alot about me.
Let me start by being totally honest. I am struggling with speaking in tounges. It is really weighing on my heart.
So I grew up in a home that believed in God but never really went to church. I was baptized Methodist and I remember going to church a handful of times before that (I got baptized with a lime full of babies… while I walked behind them at age 4) . After I was baptized I don’t really remember going to church at all after that except with friends when I spent the night or if I was invited to go by family. There was no talk about tounges, prophesy, the holy spirit, or even a relationship with Jesus. I literally thought God was just another person to add to the list of the people who were disappointed in me and oh ya I also thought that Jesus was somebody completley different and not God but instead some saintly man that did some outstanding act or was the pope of back then. That just shows you how clueless I was. As I got older I always was curious about God and what happened after you die. I did pray but not a relationship building prayer but more as a “omg I am so screwed .. I tried everything else I guess I will pray and hope that works” . My prayers back then quickly turned into downward spirals of self hate saying to my self “I skip school, done any drugs I could on a experimental basis (pills, exctasy, mushrooms and pot ) and lied to my parents alot … God is never going to help me out !!!” Then I would feel guilty . Silly thing is all of the things I prayed for did end up working out. May not have been the way I had in mind but now looking back I am thankful I didn’t get what I prayed for the way I had in mind. I would have been married to all those horrible guys I claimed I needed , I would have got to go on that trip with those girls that got arrested for underage consumption and those are just two of the little things that came to mind. OK let me just get back to the whole point of this and stop going off in another direction. I will save that for another day lol.
Back to speaking in tounges. So from my rambling you know that I was very uneducated about Jesus . I even thought tounges with demonic. Fast forward till I met my husband. At this time of my life I was in a horrible spot I had a young baby and no support from my family. My son’s father was abusive and after several hospital visits and attempts to change myself into the unrealistic expectation of me he wanted I decided to leave him even though I was scared and me leaving him brought his crazy to a whole other level but I will save that for another day too. Just put it this way I was broken. My husbands mom , my now mother in law, is extremely spiritual. She goes to church ,prays constantly, speaks in tounges , goes to a prophetic church, fasts and is so strong in christ. She took me under her wing within time I was saved and went in head first to my faith. I have a daily appointment with God where I spend time reading the bible and tons of literature about God, the holy spirit, Jesus, Christian life, spiritual warfare, apologetics, divine healing or what ever else .. I also read alot of commentaries and study scripture any time I have time too. While I am doing other tasks through out the day I do pray continuously and always take any chance I get to bring Jesus into my situation but I can not speak in tounges. I have prayed about it, asked others to pray for me , I have tried so many times and tried all the tips I have been given but still nothing but a small babbling whisper. At first I was guilty thinking maybe God didn’t give me this gift because there may be some sin I am holding on too. I prayed for got to reveal it and while I was with my mother in law last night I realized I am so insecure about myself ..worried about sounding dumb or picking apart every word (or sound for that matter) trying to decide if it is indeed tounges or something of my own doing. My insecurity has caused me to be in bondage and the bondage is preventing me fron recieving this gift.
The reason I am telling you this before I came to a resolution is because I want to grow with you. Like I have said before I want to be transparent. I will continue to give updates about my progress or regression about speaking in tounges, my addiction, my self esteem issues /insecurites, getting over my past , grieving and parenting 2 young children. I am writing about my real struggles everyday some might be boring some might be reality series good… but I am not going to lie about my life to make it more interesting or to get more readers. Most people with blogs ( christian blogs even more so) the writers always seem like they always have it all figured out . They made it through the storm and this is how. Not only have they made it through the storm but they are past the healing time and make it sound like it does not still come into their daily life. I think it would be nice to read about them going through struggles in real time. Not because I am so weirdo that likes when people hurt.( I am actually the opposite, it hurts me when people hurt.) It is because it shows that we all fall short of the glory of God. We all get to experiance his grace and mercy and hearing about how they got through it is amazing and helpful bUT almost seems like they aren’t relatable like they are the special people that even when they were down and out they “figured it all out ” and now their life is problem free. When you think that you won’t feel peace till you get to the problem free life they seem to have . I hate to say it but nobody has a problem free life. The good thing is you can still be happy with everyday problems! We have all made it through some crazy issues we thought we never would be able to do and even though we have the scar to prove it we no longer have a open wound. We are all one in the same. No person is better than the next. We all deserve respect. We all fight our own battles and we all have different ways of handling it . What may be a huge deal to you, might not be to someone else but at the same time what is a huge deal to you might not be to them. God made us all in his image, we all have the same holy spirit in us all . The same holy spirit that helped cancer survivors, those changing the world, people in the bible, your family, your best friend, myself and every other believer..that power is inside you. The same holy spirit that helped you get through your past is inside you now to help you get through what your going through right now. It could he just daily struggles to trauma… remember you already have victory.
Bless you! Thank you again for reading and I hope you all come back.