I have now been away from my abusive ex for 4.5 years. Right after I got out of the situation my emotional state was raw and broken. although I was so happy to be out of the situation and I felt almost a weight lifted off my shoulders, I did not realize how much damage was done. I did attempt to heal right from the start I even felt safe enough to follow through with a protection order. Once the protection order was filed and he was served , this unleashed his crazy again and what seemed like what was starting to calm down ( I was still be threatened and stalked but no attempts of physical contact) turned into the furthest thing from calm. He started to have others call me and threaten me , I got notes at work saying he was killing me, my son and himself and I have so many hours to live. Some times he contacted me he was insulting and hateful, other times he was apologetic and ” just wanted me back, he realized he was wrong and going to get help”. He was very unstable and those few moments of things being calm made me realize how messed up things really were, how much I didn’t want to die or be hurt anymore, what this did to my son that was a year old at the time, and how much I needed out of that situation, nothing would bring me back into it. During the 4 years of abuse fear became so real, intense and well … normal … It took me leaving to realize that fear was not something I had to live with.
So how did I leave? what was the breaking point? Well it all happened in one night although I was on my way out and my thinking changed from this is my life I have to deal with it, into I just can’t take it anymore. We had “broke up” in april and this was September 1st 2012. by “broke up” I mean that I now paid him to watch our son , our romantic life turned even more into rape and he used the fact we were broken up when another girl texted him. During this time he still held my phone, monitored what I wore and how much make up I wore, wrote down my miles on my car knowing I could just go to work and back, I could not talk with anyone alone including my mom because I was telling on him, which he would say was really telling them how much of a whore I was and that they would side with him anyway, even at work he would still sometimes sit outside my job, when I did have my phone there was programs tracking me and who I called and texted, and I was still regularly abused … while we were “broken up”.
so September 1st 2012 I came home from my job at the drug store and I had to bring home pizza but I got it wrong so I was calling pizza Hut to order another one. I walked out of the room into the bathroom because I thought I had something stuck in my teeth so I looked in the mirror. (not even the bathroom door had a door on it because of two reasons , 1. he pushed me into it once and there was a crack in the wood and 2. he thought I was hiding something all the time.) I walked back into the room, maybe 10 feet away, at the end of the phone call. In his eyes I was not on the phone with pizza Hut and I walked away while I had my phone because I was hiding so much from him . He grabbed my phone, pushing me down, I stumbled and hit the ground then he yelled at me saying how fat and out of shape I am then started to look through my phone. There was a email from my now husband it was innocent because at that point he was just a brother of a girl I work with , I believe it said something along the lines of here is the link to that song you told my sister about.. He flipped and looked up at me and I saw that glaze go over his eyes. It is almost like a whole different person comes over him and even his eyes change he threw the phone at me and said what is that and I just got up trying not to cry immediately because I knew no matter what I said it would not save me from what was about to happen and if I cried then it made it that much worse. So I did something I never did before … I picked up the phone called 911 quickly tried to dash to the bathroom and he grabbed my wrist by the door less doorframe of the bathroom causing me to drop my phone. He back handed me with his hand that wasn’t tightly attached to my wrist and then the jolt of my body leaning to one side he let go of my wrist and from that point it gets a little foggy. I remember I got to the corner of the bathroom and tried to cover as much as I could of myself with the walls around me with my head down between my knees and with my arms over top of it trying to block it. I just repeatedly saying I am sorry , I am sorry , I am sorry. His step mom and dad lived down stairs, only his step mom was home and she ran up screaming “get off here please M*** , get off her.. your hurting her , calm down gain control , it will be OK ” . at this point every one in the house was upstairs and I then I heard “******* heights police, I am coming up” he was pulling my up by my hair at this point and he just dropped me. like a lifeless body I just fell. The whole time my son was on the bed crying do his step mom picked up the baby and the cops immediately brought him downstairs into the car. At that moment as hurt as I was (physically) I knew this is my chance. I asked the cops please stay let me pack up a suitcase and put it in my car don’t let him see please. I packed up a suitcase and slipped it into my car , the ambulance was there but I knew with my car being there and he would post bail as soon as he got in i would have to come back for my car and it would be horrible. One of the police men drove my car to the hospital behind the ambulance. They almost would not let me to refuse hospital care…. that was how I got out . I know that this is horrible grammar and spelling .. I am still healing and this is the first time I wrote this situation out. I did hear the 911 call , and that was really hard to hear but I never wrote it and at this point Re reading for spell checks is something that will be hard for me. I will check it later and fix up parts. when I originally wrote this it was going to be about how I am still struggling with things today including self blame… but as I wrote I just let it lead me where ever and this is what turned out ..so part 2 will be up soon lol