A few days ago I posted about my escape from my dangerous and very abusive escape. It wasn’t to much of a “escape” per say because mentally I was still very much imprisoned. In alot of ways I still am but in others I have improved, as I am trusting Jesus to continue to break all my chains and deliever me from the enemys strongholds.
It has been 4.5 years since the “escape” I wrote about in the last post. There has been many different stages I have gone through on my way to healing. First I down played it .. I still can do this at times. I even told my mother that the abuse only happened once, even though she knew it was a frequent thing, she didn’t know how to deal with it so she ignored it hoping it wasn’t what it seemed to be. I must of learned that coping skills from her because If I wasn’t minimizing my abuse I was ignoring them and stuffing them as far as I could in the back of my mind. Actually ignoring the abuse had been my biggest struggle. Writing this blog is the first time I have not minimized it or ignored it but just let it out , let myself think about it , choose to think about it instead of the memory of the events popping in my head and me doing everything I can including drugs or drowning myself with cleaning, cooking, helping others ; to stop the thoughts. My husband, actually any of my family , know the full extent of my abuse or how much I struggle with it. I also went through times of blaming myself and looking at the patterns in my life and wondering why. The only answer I came up with at that time was it had to be me. I would bounce back and forth alot from this is my fault, to he is mentally ill and not my fault.
For the first time ever I feel I am able to let others in and let my abuse out so I wasn’t carrying such heavy pain around. How did I get to this point? Well I have to say that all the glory goes to God and first and foremost God was the one that rescued me, gave my my husband and his family (which is my biggest support besides God), the Holy Spirit led me to scriptures that I could meditate on and trust God for, He was my strength in my weaknesses!
What did I do to get to this point with the help of God? And by get to this point I mean to the point of where I am trying to heal and not stuff anything unhappy in the back of my mind.
Below is a few things that have helped me:
1. I am really allowing myself to come to terms with the fact that abuse is a part of my reality. It was not a movie I am watching . I am saying this because when I used to look back on what happened it was almost like I was watching a movie, like it was unreal… a out of body experience… although this was painful to really tell myself, “this is my reality and there is nothing I can do to change it” , it really helped me move forward and focus on my future.
2. Stop the blame game …This was not my fault, how I was raised, some karma in some sick way and this was not God’s fault. All the insults that were constantly a part of my life were not true, but just him trying to break me down allowing him to gain more control. Also this is not my husbands fault. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am punishing him for something in my past by not letting him in my fully guarded heart, of always needing reassurance that he loves me, won’t leave me and that I am worth it. Breaking down your walls is something so hard to do. I even have trouble letting God fully behind those walls sometimes.
3. I started going to a trauma group at my clinic and that really helped alot … actually this is what really got the healing ball rolling. I didn’t even consider my abuse trauma because I was minimizing and believing it myself. The head of the group was the one that explained trauma to me and explained that what I experienced was trauma , even with out knowing the sticky details yet. My first group we talked about traumatic stress response and I talked about how if my husband calls my name from another room, still to this day, my heart drops and I start to think what I possible could of done wrong even though I am doing nothing wrong. It was just my fear coming into my present day .. my traumatic stress response. During the same meeting I heard from others that went through a lot to and hearing from them was inspiring. This made me really want to heal .. I came to the realization that I could heal , I was not always going to be damaged or unfixable.
4. Pray every single time that I feel uneasy or when my mind gets flooded with a detailed memory that I haven’t thought of in a while. Just pray continuously and praise him during both good and bad.
I hope this can help someone out there. Thank you for spending your time with me.