I have noticed that since February 22nd alot has changed. Number one thing that has changed is my protection order came to a end. This may have been why so many of my posts are about my past with domestic violence. I know that the protection order was just a piece of paper and I do plan do try and think of ways to maybe potentially help make some changes in how those abused really aren’t really protected while having a protection order. I remember one time I was being stalked by my ex and I kept seeing his car but when I called the police as soon as he saw the police he pulled out of my apartment parking lot. This had been the first and only time I called the police after the protection order was put in place. The police said that I can not call unless he is in within 500 feet of me and I feel i need protection. Um, I think if I didn’t feel I needed protection, I would not have went to domestic relations court for the protection order. That was the moment that I realized just how little that piece of paper really did. That is for a whole other article though.
I did not renew this order before the old one ended because there hasn’t been actually physical abuse for some time and I thought that is what was needed. There has been threats, insults, being yelled at and his normal crazy, but there was no times where he physically laid his hands on me for a while. I go to my trauma meeting on Wednesday and last week it happened to be the day the order ended. I was upset because I thought my ex didn’t keep track of when it ended but to my surprise a little after midnight I got a text that stated he was aloud to text me when ever he wants now and that he is “back” .. and I know you are probably thinking why isn’t he blocked . Believe it or not the court allowed unsupervised visits with my son and when my son is there I need to have a phone line open incase he needs to get ahold of me.
Unfortunetly, when you have a child with your abuser they are still in your life after the split. This makes it a lot harder to heal and to forgive. How can you forgive someone that pours salt on the wound everytime you drop off your son or pick him up? I thought I was doing pretty well with healing and I do have to say that expressing my emotions is a huge deal for me , but what I noticed is my life has gone back to a fearful and controlled state once again. HE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS CONTROL OVER ME! I just am having troubles with stopping myself from thinking the “what ifs”. I am having trouble sleeping because of every noise outside and It seems I am going through a stage where thoughts of the past (flashbacks you can say) are interrupting my daily life.
Like I started to say earlier last week I went to my trauma group upset and went to text him back while I was waiting for the group to start. I was trembling and I guess it was pretty noticeable because I was called out on it. It caught me at a vulnerable point and I let it all out , with tears, in front of 6 or 7 women. I was met with questions of “how can you let your son go over there” and commands of “you need to get back into court to renew the order” … then afterwards I stayed and talked to the consular that leads the meeting and I broke down even more sharing my fears. I was embarrassed and I noticed I was starting to talk to myself like my abuser once talked to me … “no one is going to believe that” , ” They are all probably wondering what you did so wrong to be abused for this long” , “you are a horrible mom for not going against the judge” … I started to brush it off and realized that’s what those meetings were for , for me to share my feelings, and i was not in the wrong but then on my way in yesterday morning to go into this weeks group I get a phone call. Someone in the group with me knows a few people that I know including my ex and I guess she was making fun of my “call for attention “… If only she knew that I could only wish that this is all it is… I could only wish that I was making it up and didn’t have to live with the aftermath of abuse and going through my everyday trying to repair my tortured broken mind. So I shut down. I didn’t go to the meeting ..It was probably good that I didn’t because I was so tired and when I mix anger, hurt and tired it is not pretty .. or christian..
That was yesterday and I have been thinking all day what I should do about the issue. Both issues really what I need to do to get myself back on my track and what should I do about the group and someone saying hurtful things. I mean I can’t really tell on her because If she is there for help who am I to take that away from her because I can’t handle a insult. I don’t care how much people hurt me , God must have called them to that group and that methadone clinic for a reason .. that reason might be healing .. and I will never stand in between a person and their healing. Or maybe while there Jesus can reach out to her? I don’t know.
While I thought that out it all hit me … I am struggling because I am not putting my trust in the Lord ,but instead I am putting trust in myself, a protection order, other people … which putting all your trust in anyone or anything with out trust in God will always lead to failure. It is not bad to struggle and sometimes get caught in the flesh … it happens to all of us.. so tonight I am reaching out to God asking him to intervene in my life , surrender myself to him and ask him to lead me to maybe lead that girl in the meeting to christ. If she is joking about serious abuse she most likely has some serious underlying issues and is hurting underneath it all.. I have been in that same spot… I know God’s love is the only thing that can pick her up and move her to a place of peace and I know God’s love is the only thing that will help me get through this challenging time.