Before I was saved: childhood to teenage years

If I am to be remembered for only one thing what would it be …

In my life I have changed my views on what is important many times. Looking back on all the stages of my life and thinking to myself ” if I were to pass away right then and there what would I be remembered for ?” I know I could not really answer that because I view myself differently then others do.. but if I had to guess what I would be remembered for then I think it would be different things at different times.
During my young childhood… I would be remembered for being the shy blonde girl with big  glasses. I had such blonde hair it was almost white and my hair was always long except for the few times I would have to cut it. One time I tired to cut my own hair and I messed up so bad almost all my hair had to come off. After that I made a promise to never get a hair cut shorter than my chin again (still staying true to this promise). Also, after that incident, I let my hair grow out till it was so long I could donate it. My hair stylist, Judy, was my best friends mom and I remember she put my hair in a braid that went almost to my butt. It was a loose braid that didn’t start to actually come together till a little past my shoulders. Judy cut the whole braid off at once. I was so nervous that I still remember the sound of the scissors as the made the cut. I may have been nervous but I was so excited to donate my hair. My hair wasnt the only thing I was attached too. I was so attached to my mom. I would not go to sleep overs at friends houses, even leaving my mom for school in the morning was hard to do. So where ever my mom went, I was close behind her. At this time my mom and dad were still together and I remember I was always my daddy’s little girl. I would stand on his feet and dance with him when he would be the fun drunk at night. When he wasn’t the “fun drunk” , I remember me and my brother sitting upstairs in my room by the vent listening to my mom and dad fight. When my dad would kick my mom out he would always tell her to “take Michele , leave John , don’t you dare take my son from me!” .. So me and my mom (sometimes she would bring my brother to if she felt it was unsafe) would go to hotels or my grandmas many times a month. My dad and brother were always close they went fishing all the time and had such an amazing bond. I was always kind of jealous…

As a preteen or in my early teenage years ( middle school and beginning of highschool). I got contacts in place of my glasses, I was the first girl in my class to get boobs and looking back it seemed like over night I became “popular” and had so many “friends” . I was no longer shy. I believe this was partly because they started me on anti depressants and all the attention from the little boys I was getting. I loved the attention and wanted more than anything to be popular and to have the approval of my peers. I would do anything just to get people to like me, even if it was against my morals. I became obsessed with the way I looked and how thin I was. I wanted to stay under 105 lbs and was in a 00 pants size. I always had kids at my house. My house was the house to be at with my mom being gone at work most of the time, which means no supervison. Me and my brother are 3 years apart and we both always had at least 1 or 2 friends over. This included staying the night, even on school nights. I always threw parties at my house too .. at this time it wasn’t drinking or drugs … yet… well at least in middle school. Maybe there was a little bit of weed every now and then but that’s it. I started to get in a lot of girl fights. I remember my first physical fight I got into at school. It was a little girl Marie and we used to be such close friends. We did everything together. Well the more friends that got involved, the more rumors that started and the more he said she said things came in to destroy our friendship. I don’t remember what caused the fight but it broke out in wood working class and it wasn’t more than a couple minutes of slapping and pulling hair before the teacher and the school resource officer broke it up. Although it wasn’t a very big fight , I was now know for being such a bad ass and, at least what I thought at the time , it made more people like me and I got more attention. I loved that feeling of kind of girls being afraid and people talking good about me (or so I thought). Through out my middle school and highschool years I got into 6 or 7 physical fights at school eventually leading to expulsion from highschool in 10th grade and a juvenile police record.( we will get more to that soon) .. So if I were to die in highschool I would probably be remembered as the girl that loved attention, cared to much what others thought about me and a little bit of a bully. (All things I am not happy about) 

In highschool things really started to get bad. With the 80 day expulsion and the police record that came with all the girl fights, I had to do a lot of community service and my mom had to put me in consoling. I was diagnosed with  manic depression (form of bipolar)and  ADHD.  I already was on anti depressants and a pill for adhd starting in middle school but with all the trouble I was getting in they just loaded more and more meds on me instead of trying to get at the root of why I was acting the way I was. 

Things seemed to get worse and now I was hanging out with a horrible crowd. I went back to school and was only there 3 days before I took a benzo during school with a group of others. There is a long story with how I got caught but I got caught and that added drug abuse to my record. I also got expelled with out a chance to come back but there was no complaints from me I didn’t want to go back (I skipped school most of the times I was at school). Things  just spiraled out of control.. I was betrayed by some “friends”, I was raped at a party and they taped the whole thing. I had alcohol poisoning so all I remembered was waking up in the hospital until my brother say the video. Luckily that was before the huge social media bang… there were not video recorders on phones, so instead it was on a little cassette that went into a vhs. Not many people found out about it since the boy went to another school and the party were mostly older kids. There were rumors but that was it. Since my brother knew and my mom knew we did end up taking the boy to juvenile court and he got sentenced to a boys detention home till he was 18 or finished the program. I can talk more about this in another post. 

But that really shook things up and I started to hate myself.. how I looked , how I talked, what I wore … everything  .. and one day things got to much . I tried to commit suicide by taking 24 pills of my mental health medication. I told my mom when I started to feel sick , she called 911 and there was no room in the physc Ward but my court date for the drug abuse was 2 days after that and the judge mandated a drug evaluation and up to 30 days in a chemical dependency/mental instability inpatient program followed by 6 weeks of intensive outpatient .. I did not stay the whole 3o days but the says I did stay were complete hell… I was on so many mental health medications at the time, I think 4 or 5 , they changed my meds to the original combo of just the 2 I was on in middle school.

 I finished the 6 weeks of IOP and things started to look up for a little while. I began to work as much as I could at 16 since I was home schooled. At age 17 I had 3 jobs at once and quickly lost interest in my diploma since I was already making money. My mom continued to work all the time. I think she was trying to stay busy to not think about the pain of my alcoholic dad, their divorce and having 2 bad kids. Now not only was she always at work but she started going to school after work to get her masters degree .. so she was rarely home. I could not be over at my dad’s after 7pm because of the divorce agreement having a ruling to try and protect us from the full extent of his alcoholism. Basically he was sloppy drunk and unpredictabke after 7pm. So I had to make sure I bought all my own food, laundry soap, toilet paper, shampoo conditioner; I was pretty much on my own with no parental supervision from 16 on … from age 11-16 my mom would be there for a few hours a night but after 16 it turned into barely seeing her at all.. 

So around this time I would have gone from being  remembered as a trouble maker too a lonely teenager who was holding herself up.  
This started as a normal article but led to be more of a testimony.  I will do teenager on in another post. Thank you for reading , it really means a lot to me that someone is taking their time to read what I have to say.