Addiction. Death. Trauma. Unfinished.

Death will hit ,or has already hit, the life’s of everyone reading this, everyone they know and everyone they can only imagine knowing. It’s a natural , common occurance that will break all of our hearts.  It breaks your heart deep, sharp and hard leaving you with an intense pain, a unique kind of pain.

Death isn’t the only thing that causes these undescrible painful “cracks” to your heart. My personal experience that has left large cracks breaking into in my once whole unbroken heart included not only death but a rape taking my virginity, abandonment of family and a relationship that turned from a somewhat flattering jealousy and want of control, into a physically abusive, degrading and not at all flattering coexsistince of 2 broken people  . 

I haven’t been able to find a way to fully repair these cracks. I am pretty positive I won’t ever be able to unbreak my heart but I have tried. I have masked them, ignored them, made myself believe they are smaller cracks then they actually are and tried to fill in the brokeness, like you would fill a hole in a wall or something, by trying to stuff other people, places or things in place of what broke me. Some of those methods may have brought me some relief but it was always short lived and left me with the harsh reality that I am no longer the same person as I was before I lost these loved ones or before I went through these traumatic events. 

Death, rape, abandonment, abuse. Some are afraid of it , some obsess over it , some try and see how close they can get to it with out actually becoming a victim of  its life-changing venomous sting and some are even numb to it (or at least seen to be). Me on the other hand, I do not fall into any of these categories.. I can not be sure that I fall in any category besides broken. 

You may find this weird, but I am happy to finally come into my new reality of being broken. Although I may have lost the hope of ever feeling complete like I used to , I have gained something much more valuable. I now have the ability to stop trying to change the past and the effects of it. I can now live my life, broken heart included, and live everyday the best way that a young women can live. Instead of spending all day focusing on getting myself back to who I was , I am now focusing on becoming the best version of myself even with these devastating cracks left from my past. This is a decision I have the make daily … Even sometimes several times a day… it is hard to not reach for instant but temporary fixes.

 I wasted years of my life trying to “fix” the results of my past pain. I was not reaching to God to do this or even trained grieving and trauma professionals, I was doing everything with methods that I found the most comfortable. Trying to fix myself ( with the help of God) would have been a good thing if I had a reasonable or even reachable goal to attempt to reach. My ultimate goal and hope, the only outcome I would consider as “fixed”, was to revert back to that innocent little blonde girl that was to kind, had big dreams and wanted nothing more but to spend every moment making others happy. I didn’t want to fix myself by gaining back those chacteristics… it was almost like I had the unrealistic goal that only going back in time could achieve… but I still believed I could , like I said with no help from God but by using my own horrible methods.

My main way of coping ..or trying to fix things was turning to drugs. This was the one thing that brought me closest to my unrealistic goal. When I was under the influence I was able to act like everything was alright and I could almost be what ever I wanted. At first the drugs restored my confidence that my past took away from me. If I was drunk I could talk about my feelings, I didn’t feel fat (which before I had kids I was a unhealthy weight of 102 but still thought I was HUGE), I felt like I fit  in, guys liked me , I had friends… but just like the drunk wasn’t a real fix any of the feelings or friends weren’t real either.

If who ever reading this is a addict , you probably have done many things you are not to proud of. Even at the very early stages of addiction, the intoxicating, seemingly harmless but yet intriguingly dangerous experience that comes with a love affair with a drug, drink, sex, binge eating, not eating at all or what ever it may be can fog your judgement and lead you to do things you normally wouldn’t even consider. 

See the problem is we all have problems. Whether we want to feel good, not feel anything,  look good, feed our insecurities, self medicate or just because we want to feel a high… these things would be considered our problem… And the substance or act is our way of finding a resolution for this problem. This is a temporary resolution (of you can even call it that) to our non temporary problems.  See addictions may cause you a certian amount of resolution to your problem , you are making a exchange. You are exchanging those moments of relief for more problems. To make this developing addiction even more attractive is that you most likely won’t feel the consequences, new problems or any negative effects till the addiction already has control. At the beginning the addiction almost has just the right amont danger to almost drive a uncontrollable lust to keep you advancing deeper into the addiction rabbit hole.